I had an eye opening experience yesterday. For the first time in 3 months, I got to drive my car. I’ve been fearing it for a while. That fear comes from one primary reason – the clutch. My Jeep has a particularly long throw on the clutch pedal and it’s backed with a very strong spring. A healthy man’s leg would get tired driving it in stop-and-go traffic.
My back pain started one year ago this week. When it did, pushing that clutch pedal down became painful to me. I’d have to contort my body, sit just right, and just grind my teeth through the pain every time I pushed that pedal.
I remember my last few trips in the Jeep in August. I was taking the maximum pain killers the doctors had prescribed so I could even get through the day. I got up early and made the long commute to Hillsboro. I did it early to avoid traffic (and having to push the clutch in as much). There’s no avoiding afternoon traffic on highway 26 though. Coming home was agonizing. I winced in pain probably hundreds of times a day on that commute.
When I got home, I hitched up the boat to go give tours on the river. It was good to be there but the bouncing over other boat’s wakes was excruciating. The final drive home after such a long day used to be something I really looked forward to. I liked to savor the pride and accomplishment of a hard day’s work. In August, those drives became the worst part of my day. Every red light I thought that I wouldn’t make it to the next. Sometimes I’d just pull the boat into the driveway, barely making it home, and not even unhitch it and put it away properly. I just couldn’t handle the pain.
All of this to say that when I got in the Jeep yesterday to take my first drive, that clutch pedal scared me a little. I didn’t realize just how much pain I was in prior to my surgery and just how much cancer had taken out of me.
I pushed that clutch in and backed out of the driveway yesterday pain free. It was an incredible relief to me. I am healing. My back feels no pain. The tumor that had been robbing me of so much for the past year is gone (and getting more gone day-by-day).
When I got to my destination yesterday, I had a beer with a co-worker I haven’t seen in a while. We talked about how I’m doing and how I’m looking these days (although my hair is starting to fall out now). He said that he thought I looked better now than when I left work 3 months ago. I don’t doubt that a bit now that I realize the pain I was in and what was causing it. The side effects of chemo are nothing compared to where I’ve been this year.
I don’t fear driving my Jeep anymore. I’m thankful for the stark comparison I got to realize yesterday of just how much pain I was in and how awesome it is going to be to be cancer free.
-Captain Seth