There are many reasons to be totally and completely frustrated right now (but also so many more reasons to be hopeful about my current condition and outlook).
The long awaited biopsy results came in today as expected. On Monday, surgeons had pulled 0.5 cubic centimeters of bone from my S1 vertebrae to test for cancers. I’ve been recovering, waiting, and anxiously praying for this biopsy ever since. Thanks to so many friends and family (and even complete strangers) who have joined me in prayer this week. These were to be the key results we needed to begin treating this tumor in my back. The frustrating part is that the results were inconclusive today. Despite harvesting plenty of tissue from 4 different sites in my degraded vertebrae, most of the tumor cells were dead. The ones that weren’t dead were dying. The bad news is that dead or dying tumor cells don’t give up any information about their origin. As a result, the reason for the tumor in my spine has still not been determined. And since we don’t know what it is, we also don’t know how to treat it. It continues to grow and painfully press against my nerves.
Even though this is incredibly frustrating, I am very thankful and hopeful today. Every day that goes by, more results come in from blood tests and imaging that rule out another form of cancer that could be causing this. Today we saw some final blood and ultrasound results ruling out two terrifying possibilities. For that I am thankful.
I am thankful that rather than a definitive pathology that would have sent me into chemotherapy or radiation treatment tonight, we have a null result that will just send me back to the hospital next week to repeat the CT guided needle biopsy on my spine. It is a process that is now familiar to me (and unfortunately the added pain that comes with it is also now all too familiar to me).
I know that many of you (like me) are frustrated tonight. We want to blame the surgeon or the lab for not finding out what this tumor is. We want to ask the doctors a million questions about why this happened and what it all means. We want the process to go faster and be more definitive and at the same time be good news. Even more, we want the pain to stop and to regain some quality of life.
I can’t believe how fitting the prayer I prayed this morning was. Thank you to my friend Josh for bringing it by last night:
“This is another day, O Lord. I know not what it will bring forth, but make me ready, Lord, for whatever it may be. If I am to stand up, help me to stand bravely. If I am to sit still, help me to sit quietly. If I am to lie low, help me to do it patiently. And if I am to do nothing, let me do it gallantly. Make these words more than words, and give me the Spirit of Jesus. Amen.”
I think the answer to this prayer today was clear and will also be my prescription for the Labor Day weekend. Patiently “lie low” and “do nothing” gallantly. There’s simply nothing else I can do until the biopsy next week (probably Wednesday 9/4). Then maybe I can stand bravely…